modest mice

ALG tagged me with this thing they call a meme. Well, I hate to disappoint, and I also hate to do what I'm actually supposed to do now, so I'll give it a shot...
it's very long, and i don't know if i have anything interesting to add, but anyway...

1 Regarding sleeves, collars, and skirt-length/shorts/pants, do you dress the same way you did when you were five? Fifteen?

When I was 5, I owned one skirt, i think, and I was always begging my mom to let me wear it. I wore a lot of pink, purple, and turqoise (my mom tried to change that but i was steadfast) and used to do this thing that was, in my opinion, cute, where i wore t-shirts over turtlenecks in the winter (not that that's so relevant). i wore shorts in the summer, but never sleevless, probably at least in part for sun-protection. i definitely went (mixed) swimming at the town pool.
When I was 15 I was post-Camp Sternberg so I was in theory covering my elbows, though the fashion at the time was to do so with oversize t-shirts, which weren't quite as long on me as on others. i seem to recall that i would expose up to a tefach (measured by my very own hand, as opposed to in inches) below my collarbone, though i think my mom would sometimes get annoyed by this. i wore pants for basketball and other athletic things. i worse short sleeves for basketball too, actually, but i pretended they weren't. (this was psychologically easy given the general oversize t-shirt fashion of the time...)
also, at 15, almost all my clothes were too big (body image, etc...) and some shade of gray. (i include dark green, navy, maroon, and even white in "gray")

2 If you dress differently now, why?

well, the biggest way i dress differently is actually that i started wearing clothes that fit, and also ones with patterns and colors. i think that was just part of growing up and out of all the teenage body-angst. i wear lower necks now, i'm not sure why. i just do. maybe it's because, after learning a bit, i became convinced that the collarbone rule was actually made up. (as in, didn't exist more than, say, 100 years ago), and made-up halalkhot annoy me. (other examples of made up halakhot are the precise ways in which one must check vegetables, or the number of minutes one must spend bathing in preparation for mikvah immersion. maybe what i'm getting at is that these things should be formulated as standards, not rules...)

3 As a child, how, if at all, were you taught about tsniut in the home and/or school? What were the rules? How were they presented?

we had a dress code (skirts below the knee, no sleeveless or cap sleeves) in school. my mom wears pants and would have been happy for me to do likewise on my own time. the rules from school weren't really taught at all, just sent home in the handbook every year. as for the rules from home (which had more to do with no high heels and no slinky black dresses for pre-teens - ie, actual modesty), they came up shopping. my mom's reasons were usually incomprehensible to me (like certain styles being too "adult" or inappropriate). the school's reasons were basically "we say so."

4 How does your dress differ from your mother's in terms of tsniut (not, say, fashion sensibility)? From your grandmothers'? From your sister's or sisters'?

mother: she wears pants, i generally don't. she also, on the theoretical level, covers head, not hair, though her hair is so short this is usually not an issue. (she has shocked some friday night guests by coming to the table in a yarmulkah, but i think she may have given that up now...)
grandmother: there are pictures of my bubbe a"h at the beach in a bathing suit (and no head covering, as far as i recall) from the 50s. when i knew her she wore bubbe-style tichels (foam lined for shape) or sheitels. i don't know if she ever wore pants, though her sister (my great aunt, a"h) had some choice pant-suits from the 70s that she continued to wear when i knew her...

5 Do you dress differently inside your home and outside your home, regardless of who is present?

sometimes, mostly not. no real method to my madness here. except that for whatever reason i am definitely less makpid on covering hair at home (i do still cover my head for strangers...)

6 Do you dress differently depending on where you are or what you're doing? Is this for halachic or social reasons?

pants for athletic things (eg, hiking). stockings and high necks in certain neighborhoods, partly because i think these standards actually depend on local custom and partly because i don't like people thinking i need kiruv...

7 Do you dress differently if you are in a mixed (men and women) setting versus a women-only setting?

yes.

8 How do you define tsniut as a halachic concept, either as it currently stands socially or in some halachic vacuum?

i usually don't. by which i mean, i don't know.

9 If you had full freedom to rewrite halacha, what would you do with tsniut?

phrase it more in terms of standards than rules, though i think there are some things that can't really ever be ok (no exposed thighs, breasts, bellies, shoulders - probably for men too, as applicable). i might do away with hair covering, but i'd probably want all people of all genders to head-cover. wigs would be seriously reconsidered, except for parnassah reasons. (but that's largely cuz i think they're gross) more deeply, i'd want to reemphasize the non-covering aspects of tsniut. even as it relates to dress, i think the main point should be not to think abt what you wear all the time, spend a lot of money on it, etc. you know, cheap jeans and a t-shirt, (or maybe generic communist jumpsuits?), for everyone...

10 To what extent do your decisions about dress and/or head covering reflect:

* social reality of your Jewish community? (i.e., wanting to fit in, or, alternatively, not wanting to fit in)

a lot. but not so much fitting in as that the community (or some average of the various communities i circulate in) creates a default that i usually feel no reason to change.
* an immutable halachic code?
talk about loaded questions. definitely defined by halakha (with the possible exception of necklines, as discussed above), but i'm not sure what "immutable" adds here...
* personal physical comfort?
the main reason i wear sockless sandals, tichels > wigs or hats, etc, is comfort...
* feelings that people should focus more on your mind/actions than your body?
yes, but this more dictates my style than the rules i follow.

11 How would you rank the importance of following communal and/or halachic standards with regard to Shabbat, kashrut, and tsniut? (I'm not discussing nidah/negiah now, which is usually the third after Shabbat and kashrut.) Do they hold equal weight in your mind?

my instinct is to "rank" according to halakhah itself, in which case shabbat and kashrut seem to me to clearly have a more substantial de-orayta component, as well as generally more well-developed laws. (this is why tsniut doesn't substitute so smoothly for niddah in the big three...). all three are about the same in terms of how much i fret about them. (ie, i don't usually, for better or worse...) right now, i think shabbat is the one that i appreciate most on a "spiritual" or personal level, but that is subject to change in different life situations...

12 How important is the idea of "בגד איש" to you in determining your dress?

not.

13 How important are the ideas of "שוק באשה ערוה שוק באשה ערוה" and "טפח באשה ערוה" (see Brachot 24a) to you in determining your dress?

very.

14 If you are married or otherwise in an exclusive relationship, to what extent does your partner influence your dress decisions, tsniut-related or otherwise?

not very much. i mean, he'd care if i uncovered my head and started wearing miniskirts, but probably mostly b/c it would be a sign that our attitudes toward halakhah and torah were no longer similar... in general, i try to limit my fashion dictations (except when asked) to removing clothes with holes from spouse's wardrobe, and he's similarly hands off. we're just not that kind of people...

on this note, someone once questioned me on my wearing (very loose) pants around the dorm, and it came up that my mom wears pants. she asked "your father doesn't mind?" i think he would find that question just as amusing, and odd, as i did (and not because my mom wouldn't listen anyway...).

15 If you are dating, to what extent does your date influence your dress decisions, tsniut-related or otherwise?

16 How, if at all, do your feelings about your body influence the way you dress?

i think i sort of talked abt this above, and shabbos is coming...

17 Do you enjoy buying clothing for yourself?

not as much as i once did, partly because i've accumulated so much i've become picky and try only to buy things i will actually wear a lot. also i'm really cheap, and haven't found the hunt for bargains in new york to be as fruitful as i remember the one in boston being in my youth...

18 Do you think that looking attractive and being tsniusdic (either halachically or socially defined) are mutually exclusive or mutually inclusive? Do you think that looking sexy and being tsniusdic (either halachically or socially defined) are mutually inclusive or mutually exclusive?

i don't think either pair is either mutually inclusive or exclusive. though i do think that trying to look sexy is not tsniusdik, i think actually looking sexy (ie, in the eye of an onlooker) is up to that onlooker, who is free to make mountains out of molehills (or pinky fingers)...

19 What, if any, do you feel are positive results of tsniut? What, if any, do you feel are negative results?

positive: no more bad hair days. in general, i think at this point in life it helps my body image not to feel i have to show a lot.
negative results are being hot in the summer. also, the only thing that really bothers me about hair covering is sticking out in non-jewish settings (both on the level of "looking funny" and on the level of having details of my identity suddenly identifiable, subjecting me to tokenism, etc... ie, what happens to men when they wear a kippah...)